Last year on the eve of the New Year, I 100% committed to what I call my focus of the year. A few years ago my best friend I made a commitment for the year (that year was "self love") and since have done it every year. It has allowed me to grow in SO many ways and have a focal point in what aspects I hope to achieve to overall better my life. Since beginning this I have really come leaps and bounds and found that the progress I have made as an inividual are lessons and moments I will cherish forever. It is actually amazing what we can do when we set our minds to it. Right? Afterall, the mind is a powerful thing.
This year I dedicated my year to "dealing," which I know sounds super vague but for me it works. I like to be vague enough so that I don't put caps on what can and will happen, more or less limitations. For example, if I dedicated my year to losing 20 pounds.. what happens after I lose it? I just want to have strong enough dedications to shine on, all year long.
Now, I feel it's necessary to reflect on my year almost line an online diary but with hopes to inspire each of you to go the distance for your own life. To be the change you wish to see, you are so powerful.
Year 2016 has been filled with so many emotions, like every year we take the good with the bad and the happy with the sad. Right? It has been filled with love, with loss, with growth, and new beginnings. It has been a year that allowed me to seek truth in situations I ignored for so long because I didn't want it to hurt. It has allowed me to be honest and inspired while working to achieve the best version of myself. As I sit here and think about the timeline of the year, everything is jumbled. It's hard to have a direct moment in time to completely remember (example on Jan 6th I ...) so, I have decided to break this blog up into bulletts, afterall, I'd prefer to read bulletts anyway. So, here it goes; a year of advice and moments put into 16
points, seems interesting how an entire year can be put to words on a screen but for lesson pourposes I will put my wander aside and get to typing.
These points are in NO specific order.. I am just going to write as they come to me, completely unplanned.
1) Love yourself FIRST. I truly NEVER believed that I was capable of such an act but I can 100% say that the moment that I started loving me for all that I am and stopped comparing myself to the world,I instantly grew wings which have taken me places I only dreamed of. The moment I realized there is only one version of me and I am the OG of my own life is the moment I started writing my own story, my book of life, and let's be honest it feels good to simply "be me."
2)You are forever changing it is important to not cap your capabilties to be who you once were. In fact, last night I was shopping (okay, that bullett is coming) at the Icing, and you know those cute little wall decorations they have everywhere with the glitter? Well, one caught my eye.. a quote by Carrie Bradshaw, " Maybe you have to let go of who you once were to become who you will be." WOW. Talk about a slap in the face, right? I felt so free in that moment and will probably carry that quote forever. I am ever changing and that is okay. In fact, change is growth. Time to spread my wings and be brand new and accept I am no longer the person I once was however I will forever be true.
3) If you are adopted it is okay to wonder where you came from. This is a part of me I haven't been as open about but I find it is necessary to admit to inspire you. This year as a part of the dealing I wanted to seek out my biological father. Not because I wanted a "dad" or to be in the family but simply out of curiousity. I already have a dad that I love with all that I am, someone who has raised me, walked me down the aisle, and introduced me to the love of star warz and snow caps. A dad that's laughter is contageous and gives the best hugs, and is the best grandpa to my sweet sugar baby. That's my dad. But, for some reason I felt the need to know more about where I came from and why I look how I do and if any of my health issues are what they are from "his" side. I could type on this subject for forever but let's just say this.. God has a plan and His plan is meant to be. I was given the father I needed for my life to be what it is, I was given the family actually hand picked by the family I am lucky enough to call mine and I am so forever thankful. Family isn't always blood but you're not wrong for being cuirous. Never fear truth. It will set you free.
4) Being a mom is a whirlwind of emotions where you constantly question if you're doing it right. Gosh, is this forever true. Being a mom is hard and it's okay to admit that. You aren't alone and neither am I. It's hard telling your kids no more candy after they have asked with the sweetest little grins and "pease," It is hard knowing how to discipline them after they slap you in the face because they have a hard time communicating (let's be honest, if I couldn't talk I would proabably want to slap someone too), it is hard balancing diet, household, playtime, naptime, and any type of schedule. It's hard getting out in the dead of the winter when the rules now state "no coats in the carseat." It's hard being surrounded by everyone elses opinion they feel the need to share as if your kid is theres. It's just hard. But, in those hard times love is formed. Love is created. A bond is molded together and my goodness is it great. It is great to be loved unconditionally by somone your love created, it is great to be known as "mom." Something about my baby looking up at me saying "Momma" is just amazing, as if all is right in the world. Besides, I am sure he isn't to upset about pizza over broccli anyway.
5) Friendships aren't always forever. I am literally still learning this and it's probably one of the HARDEST lessons I have ever had to learn. Seriously. I am person that tends to put so much into people, always. I also have a hard time accepting that circumstance, people, and things change. I hold on so tightly to memories I have a hard time accepting that sometimes that is all those people will be, a figment of the past yet a lesson for the future. People come for a time, rhyme, reason, season, or lifetime and again.. that's okay. Which totally brings me to my first point, be your own best friend, you will be here for you at the end of the day. Love yourself first.
6) Self help books are NOT just for the depressed, anxious, etc. I am a person that sometimes gets wrapped up in my own head so deeply that I feel almost trapped but never would pick up a book of encouragement because I never wanted to admit that, but this year I did. I dealt with my energy in my mind and bought the book " You're a Badass," which actually has been life changing. I now plan to read a self help book every month (or something.) Afterall, you can never ever have too much kindness, positivity, love, and encouragement.
7) A little effort goes a LONG way. You hold the power to not only dream but live those dreams as well. I have found that by showing interest and jumping in both feet is the best way to accomplish your goals and dreams. This year I was given some of the most AMAZING opportunities that I will hold near and dear to my heart as they were all so life changing. Seriously guys, get up and try.
8) Cancer Sucks. Most of my life my grandma has battled with different forms of cancer. Breast cancer twice, lung cancer, skin cancer (which she says, doesn't count) and this year.. she was given the motherload of news, this year. Brain Cancer. I will never forget the day my mom, Mark, and sister came to my house and I knew something was wrong.. I am thankful for my mom knowing my love language and understanding that I needed that in person interaction. I remember being so angry, sad, hurt, and just overall "blah." I really believed that my grandma had really finally beat cancer, never did I think it would have spread to her brain. Gosh, does it hurt. It hurts knowing there's no cure, no certainty, and there is nothing anyone can do. Im thankful though that her last run with cancer (lung) I learned that I wasn't coping.. I literally ignored her subconsiously and was told it were selfish. I am thankful to have that open relationship with my grandparents and been raised to respect their opinions such as I do. I thought, I was actually being SO selfish. I was so wrapped up in my own feeling I never thought about her.. so this time.. this time I got a second chance to do things differently. A few months following the news everytime I seen her I'd cry. I'd cry when I seen flowers, or sunshine, or listened to music, or drove, or just simply lived. My grandma really is everywhere which I am thankful to know for when her time comes (as all of ours does) I know she will forever be here with me in my heart. This time, I jumped in with both feet and tackled the idea of dealing with the truth behind cancer and what it means to be told there's no cure. I began thinking up ways to make her days the brightest and had every one write her a letter thanking her for being the awesome woman she is. Thanks to my Uncle Jack's funeral for that idea. I know it may seem odd to take a lesson from death and dying but this summer I attended his funeral and heard these amazing stories I had never heard before and wondered if he got to know how people felt. I am sure in some ways he did, but I decided that's the gift I wanted to give my grandma for now but also make a book for the legacy of forever. This time, I was given a chance to grieve, cope, learn, grow, and show her how important she is. She's always been the strength and the backbone, but what happens to the family when she isn't well. I learned that I do have the power to showcase strength, positivity, and willingness thanks to you, Grandma.
9) Siblings make the best type of friends. This year I went through some VERY hard times and felt very alone, not sure why but I did. I didn't even know how to deal with some of the emotions I had but I reached out to my sister.. I reached out to her because she's been my life long, stuck with me, shared a bedroom for 11 years.. person. It was amazing to sit down and talk about everything I was dealing with and for her to say, " I have thought the same thing." Remember, your siblings get it. Although, her and I are totally different in interest, look, etc. our morale, up bringing, and backstory are so very similar. You're in this together. Remember that.
10) You may feel like you don't meet the standard of society but guess what, nobody's eyes are burining out of their heads from being around you or looking at you, right? This year I was selected as a Slink Jeans Model Search Winner which alone deserves a blog post, but for the sake of the lesson I will keep it to a paragraph. I was flown to LA with four other beauties from different parts of the USA okay kidding Canada too, where we got to stay in a gorgeous Beverly Hills home, eat at the fanciest restaurent, and model in a gorgoeus mansion all for the love of body positivitiy. I remember vividly a life changing moment. At one point Slink asked me to take off my top and model in my bra and jeans. A sight I only allowed myself to see in the mirror, never really around people I hadn't met, let alone photographed for a Campaign. I was nervous but I thought to myself "I am either going to be in my head and it show on camera or I am going to embrace all that this and grow," get out of my confort zone. Which is exactly what I did. I remember at one point I was in a denim crop jacket with no top underneath which means there was a gap where my stomach was out. I was leaning up on a gorgeous royal blue skyscraper in Beverly Hills, booty out to showcase the jeans, which of course made my stomach pop even more. The photographer stopped me and says " I want you to see this image." Nervous, I said okay. Instantly my mind went to my problem area.. my stomach (freshly scarred from surgerty three weeks ago) and all I hear from her is "Oh my gosh, look at you, your eyes are gorgeous." I learned in that moment.. I really am my own worst critic and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's time to accept that not all bellies are created equal and that I am certainly blessed with some pretty baby blues. NO shame in knowing your strengths and weakeness' being honest with yourself is the best.
11) Knock on the door of opportunity. Seek out possibility. Your wish and dream is waiting to be fulfilled. Simple as that.
12) Marriage is two different people with one common goal, obtaining that forever love. I am so thankful that I have a man so willing to work alongisde me in this thing called life. I'm a lot to handle in some ways, and I finally accept that. Not that he's told me that.. it's just that I finally know the truth behind that and am being honest with myself. Everyone has a difference in opinion and runs their marriages differently. I know I am so blessed by having this amazing man in my life. Someone who never fails to offer me so much support, enouragement, and be all that he knows I need. It's pretty amazing, to be loved so deeply by someone that picked me to love forever, through it all. In marriage, your on the same team, you chose the love you both have and choose it everyday. There will be up's and down's but again that comes from being two different people. Be open in communication and always remember nobody is a mind reader. Expect nothing, respect everything, and always know how much your significant deserves. Life is good in love, embrace the facts and hold on so tightly. Accept you are loved beyond measure indeed forever, and never fail to be thankful, I know I am.
13) This year I came to discover, I indeed have a slight addiction to shopping. Okay, I know that sounds weird but it is true. No, I don't have thousands racked up on credit cards to have the latest Gucci bag but I had gotten to a point where I was collecting "things" not "memories." I never would admit that before but I will say that $5 lipstick made me feel so great for an hour then got stuffed into the drawer with the other 200. When I was happy, I'd shop. When I was sad, I'd shop. Never even allowing myself to face the facts that $5 times 30.. is $150 which kept multiplying and could have been used towards things that were necessary. My grandma always says, "pennny's make dollars" which always seemed so obvious and I never took time to think of the meaning. That is until the day she asked me, "How's your shopping going?" Okay, when my grandma asks about shopping as if it were my only friend, that's when I realized I had a problem. So, now that I faced the facts about that.. I haven't bought a single lipstick for my collection (asides the giftcard I was given for lipstick haha.) So, next year I plan to let my pennies be dollars and to collect more memories than things.
14) I am sensetive. Mind, body, and soul. I am so very sensetive. I can't handle any form of negativity be it the news, devistating shows on tv (literally have nightmares), emotions from the past, words spoken in a less than positive light, the foods I eat, so much effects me. Not that there's much of a cure, I just think it's nice to put that out there. I am sensetive and not ashamed, I forever plan to work towards doing more and being more for myself, that's a never ending goal, but accepting parts of me is important to. I am sensetive.
15) Be thankful and let people know the impact they have on your life. This year I tried to do this as much as possible. Two people stuck out to me that I know I thanked as I had been holding on to these thanks for over ten years. I was so afraid of what may be said but I knew I had to do that. Shockinly, one person thanked me too. Funny, how for years I held on to so many "what if's" when in reality the other person felt the exact same way and it made me feel great to know I also had an impact on a life that impacted me so greatly. Say what you need to say, for life is too short. You never know who needs it most.
16) Be open minded. Be honest with yourself. Allow things to simply be and accept you have no control over everyone else. Be so in tune with who you are that you are capable of being comfertable in whatever position you are put in. Be that for you. You deserve it. Don't be so hard on yourself but realize you are capable of so much. Accept what you can not change but know you really can change and be so much.
Now that I have completed 16 things of 2016 I realize there's so much more and two hours of typing may not be able to cover an entire year but my hope is that my past year will help inspire your future. I love you all so very much. Happy New Year! May 2017 bring you self love and full on happiness!